From TES issue 18 (November 2002)
Series 4.
Quest: The Sword of Freedom.
Dungeoneer: Simon Haynes. (Simon III.) Advisors: Andrew, Richard and Andrew.
Home town: Swansea.
Team score: 3 out of 10.

The funniest death ever was experienced by poor bumbling Simon III from series 4, as you're about to find out. Here's an interesting trivia point: this team were the only ones after series 3 that came from anywhere in the U.K. outside England.
Level One: A shaky start on the Spindizzy sets Simon on the road towards the Sword. The team manage to pass the first door monster by answering only one out of three questions correctly, which is the lowest score this series.

In the following chamber, Malice has disguised herself as an old cleaning-woman. She tasks Simon with finding an old leather-bound book for her, in return for which she promises a magical reward, as well as, of course, giving him the Eye Shield.

In a forest clearing, Simon meets Fatilla. As the guard is about to clonk him on the head, Pickle - of all people - rushes in and saves the day. He tells Fatilla that Simon is a military forager, scouting ahead of a vast army. As the guard is not too keen to face a hungry and angry horde of warriors, he agrees to help Simon find food for his friends that are supposedly following close behind him. Treguard scolds Pickle harshly for interfering before demanding that the elf return.

In the next clearing, which is Oakley's, Fatilla works out that he has been tricked and starts threatening Simon again, but Oakley appears and scares him away. This team do not have to answer any questions - perhaps due to their dismal performance earlier - and Simon has to persuade Oakley that his intentions in the forest are just and honourable. Once the tree troll is satisfied, Simon is able to collect a horn and an hourglass before progressing to the Castle of Doom. Here, the horn is blown to scare off two goblins, before Simon reaches the wellway. A monstrous giant lizard guards the well, but Simon turns the glass and freezes the marauding [giant reptile] for long enough for the advisors to direct him down the well, and into level two.

Level Two: Simon has the unique privilege of rescuing Gundrada from the stocks as his first task. She tells him that the warlock who imprisoned her also took her sword away, and Simon agrees to try and help her get it back.

The doughty duo meet Hordriss in the next room, and he has a large collection of lost and confiscated swords, one of which is Gundrada's mighty blade. While Gundrada slinks around behind Hordriss so he doesn't see her, Simon asks the warlock to return the sword. Hordriss wants to know which particular sword he wants, and asks for its name. Gundrada uses her finger to spell out S-L-A-S-H in the air, and Pickle helps the advisors read it. Hordriss returns [Slash] once Simon has named it, and Gundrada guides him onto the conveyer belt which serves as the exit from this room. It turns out to be the Corridor of Blades, but Gundrada ensures Simon's safety, uttering one of my favourite quotes of all time as she does so: ("I don't fancy getting cut in half; I'd rather do that to other people myself!" - Gundrada.) When they reach the end of the Corridor, a goblin horn sounds. Gundrada turns back to face the critters, leaving Simon to make his escape.

He next meets Brother Mace, who invites him to play a very complicated card game. Mace tells Simon that his pack of cards has a total of fifty-three playing cards, and asks him to explain this. After much coaxing, the team manage to tell Brother Mace that there is a Joker in the pack. The monk gives the Joker to Simon, to use against Ariadne later.

But he doesn't get the chance. The next room is the Block and Tackle. A large hole appears directly on Simon's left, and the Andrew in the red shirt takes charge. Unfortunately, as some watchers may have noticed during the quest, he has trouble distinguishing between left and right. This means, of course, that, in a panic, he tells Simon to sidestep the wrong way. With literally nothing between him and the hole, the unsuspecting Simon topples to his doom. Although they are clearly upset by this, the team cannot help joining Treguard and Pickle in laughing at the clumsy event. ("You were never very good at manoeuvring, were you?" - Treguard.)
Summary: A bumbled quest with a suitably bumbled end, but what a laugh!

[See: Simon, sidestep to your left

Previous team: Team 3 of Series 4
Next team: Team 5 of Series 4]

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